You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize