it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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