I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize