seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
