i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize