Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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