My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize