So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
