this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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