Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
jump out the window naked night went bad
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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