smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
