Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
