dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
