Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize