Duck Duck Cougar?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize
