Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
ok first of all what the fuck
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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