this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
