wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
