Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
