one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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