i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
