my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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