i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize