Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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