The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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