There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize