I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
