if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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