We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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