Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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