Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
