spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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