This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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