If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
