I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
