I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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