My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
