That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
