your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
