i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He kissed a someone with a penis
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
