Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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