I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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