No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize