I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
