The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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