so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
