Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
