Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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