i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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