You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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