i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
