Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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