this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
