I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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