Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
