I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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