Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
