as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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