Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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