ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
