i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
