I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize